Thank you

I have not been inspired enough to write for the past few weeks. I have been tied up, bogged down and tired. I am in that phase of life where you don’t know what you want or where you are headed. So there, I did, clearly, not know what I was doing – toggling between yes’s and no’s.
And by now one must be wondering why I would even bother writing this post when I am disheveled like this, let alone whining. But I think this is about the right time to actually take a look at the bright side of the spectrum.
That night, post midnight, I decided to go alone for a walk. The moon light was romantic, subtle and enamoring. I was thinking, I would rather keep my mind numbing spider web inside my head rather than blurt it out to some one. I was thinking, who would care, enough, in this pretentious world to even take time off and listen. I was thinking benevolence is just a concept. However, once I got back to my room, all the thinking and the feeling of not having someone to talk to was so overwhelming that I decided to break the lull. No more choking. No more dead air.

And what I saw in return was spectacular. My family offered the fall back but their health did not pave much way. That was when my mates across breadth (Mumbai to Calcutta) and length (Delhi to Chennai) laid down a path (I don’t know where would I include Bangalore and Hyderabad), offered to assist in whichever way they could. Phone calls, emails, web chats and even visits – every one was available. Fascinating. People I have known for 10 years to the ones I had just met – every one had the time; every one wanted to help. In a time when I was moody, unreasonable and snappy – I wasn’t left alone. I realized companionship; I realized a lot more actually. And now, even though I haven’t sorted everything out, I know for once that life is a game of cards and I have just played the trump card that has made the most difficult time less painful.

I am waiting for the result to manifest.


P.S. I devote this post to all my adored friends as a thank you note.

Apprehension, fear or caution?

Eternally confused and restless that I am, once again I did what seems to me like the stupidest thing to do. It started when everything around me looked like it was falling apart. There was no direction. Everything around me seemed to grow so quiet. There are times when neither your actions nor your patience yields results. You are helpless. Forces around you tell you what you should do, though they will not tell you what may be the consequence. You see a fresh beautiful flower but you also notice the insects slowly infesting it. I was feeling exactly this - All of this. That was when I had to decide – to stay or to move on.
It’s almost always easy to make up your mind. It takes a couple of phone calls – friends and family – everyone out there is glad to listen to you and help you out. It helps. Meeting people, talking to them, deciding with them – helps. But what really pushes you over the edge is the long silent walks you have had with yourself, the sleepless nights gazing at the ceiling fan, the lone never ending drives. After all this, you do make up your mind to move on – to do what you want to do. Well, again, not all bold decisions are appraised, not all desperate measures are quoted to be brave and not all roads that are less travelled by, lead to success. Yet, I am at a place where most would think twice before actually trading the threshold. Exactly a year ago, 21st March 2009 was the end of a beautiful time period. History repeats? I don’t know.
I am scared, worried and directionless. But then every now and then I remind myself this – “Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about.”

Made over-heard!

After a mentally and physically tiring day, I log on to the internet to take my mind off but only to stumble upon these –

• mah heart is going craazzzyyy
• luv izzz in da air
• forward this to (I don’t remember – may be some one billion people) and see your wish come true!!!
• tym goes by nd nly thng tht doesn chng is frndshp nd luv!!!
• today is world’s ‘so and so’ day and hence put up your status message as ‘so and so’… (Who really cares and how is a status message of any help?? Like seriously!)

I am surprised at the fact that there are people who can even think of coming up with something like this – and no – I am not talking about teenagers! For one – I hate the so-called petite sms forms of the language (read ‘b4’,’f9’,’w8’…) and second – I hate the display of any kind of human emotion that suffers from the disease called ‘express it to the whole world through any media available syndrome’!

It’s just a point of view. Why? Why would you flash it like the journalists do on the newspaper? It is one thing to share something you liked or a favorite lyric or a quote from a favorite writer to your circle but it is completely another thing to flood the media with over-romantic messages, sob stories and sloppy speech marks!

Maybe I am just being a cynic, maybe a little obsessive about the misuse of the language; but I am sure there are a few more out there, who are annoyed by this display of delirium.

It was late

She saw the moons come and go
Each dawn and dusk passed by her ego
Every fleeting minute did get harder
And every day and night did she find longer

Yet she didn’t wait to say
She didn’t heed to certain
That it’s his absence she couldn’t defray
That it’s his company she pined

Paucity of ideal living? Well, Happy 2010 :)

Another year went by and a new one starts – and I seem to be mired in one too many things to get the focus and aspiration to write. So I decided to pen down the lyrics of a song I have been listening to a lot lately. A very good friend of mine sent this song to me and said it cheered him up.

See the animal in it's cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

P.S. The song is called Right Where It Belongs by Nine Inch Nails.

Things not to do when you are sick and zonked

1. Come up with one liners
(You are very likely to come up with something like “Life is like a question paper without questions”)

2. Call your folks and tell them you are ill
(They are going to return calls for the next 2 days, every 5 minutes asking if you have recovered!)

3. Try taking a walk to get some fresh air
(Falling, stumbling, toppling, rolling, tripping, and slipping… everything… every freaking thing happens!)

4. Call for groceries
(They get you “Boondi Raita” when you ask for “Bournvita”)

5. Take an off from work and sleep
(The brain is hyper active when kept on a pillow – to-do lists, agendas, outlook calendar, excel sheets, history, chemistry, apocalypse – everything pops up invariably)

6. Cook
(Half burnt food is okay – but half burnt kitchen? NOT OKAY!)

7. Visit any random unknown doctor
(The time you take to explain you, your medical history and current symptoms multiplied by the time he takes to comprehend, equals the time taken to fall sick and get over it 12 times untreated)

8. Write a blog post
(yeah.. well..!)

A companion

I dedicate this piece of my writing to one of my closest friends back in S.P.Jain (others being my room mate J and a handful more).

She just lived a couple of rooms away from mine. She was a south Indian. She loved eating. She was a keen gymnast and a diet chaser (that is how we bonded). She adored trying out fashion and hair styles. She was always ready for a trip. She could pamper and withhold me. She was there when no one was. She was a companion.

I still remember the first time we met – she being from Vizag was enquiring me about Mumbai. Today, I am sure she loves Mumbai more than any city in the country (thanks to me! :P). I remember the times we vanished from hostel to escape the curfew, head to party and return the next morning unheard of by the guard. I remember how we would not eat the mess food and hog salads and veggies (and subway of course) to lose weightJ. I remember how I got her experience the first rain by marine lines. I cherish the times when we were the last ones to sleep and last ones to wake up and wonder,
[“hey good morning, what do we do for breakfast?”
“bitch its 2.30 in the afternoon – good afternoon!”
“ok – lunch”
“veg grilled sandwich w/o cheese and cutting chai?”
“done – I am ordering from vrindavan”
“alright – listen gym at 4pm today instead of 5pm?”
“why?”
“I have to finish this assignment”
“when is the deadline”
“uh – yesterday :P”
“lol.. gym at 5pm it is!”], while the entire hostel is back in college attending classes. I love the way we reached examinations hall 15 minutes late and yet leave way before the end time.

I realized how important it is to have someone close by your side once she was gone (oh god! I sound like a lesbian! :P) I still call her up when I have a bad day, when I feel alone or when I overeat J

P.S: This post was due since your birthday – finally got the time - I love you, Prathi!

Always,
Lux!