I don't know what I want!

From a road travelled when there was none, to when the first stretch of gravel was laid and the very first map was still being created, I have been a part of this journey – on the road of “figuring out what I want”! I remembered times I used to forget what I had to do while walking from my bedroom to my hall, thanks to my hyperactive brain. But lately I have consciously and subconsciously avoided thinking too much…or for that matter, at all. I’ve been moody, biting everyone’s heads off, snapping every second, and generally behaving like a cranky old woman.

Probably, it is the need for complacence and satisfaction. But I also figure that human needs are never-ending, moving on from one bough to another, clearly unsatisfied. I have idiotic whims and fancies. And in pursuit of them, lies the beatific path to the worst nightmare! You may plan an amazing Europe trip down to the very last detail, but you never know when an unpronounceable natural disaster decides to throw up somewhere in Iceland. You may plan to marry the love of your life, but you never know how many women he may have telephonically wedded. Like, seriously?!

But at this point of my life, I really, really have NO plan. What I sketched 3 years ago has been erased and suspended. What I can see ahead is blur and far-fetched. I don’t have an agenda or an itinerary. I have been ridiculously trying to stay the same, calm, positive and up-beat. I have been avoiding the fear of going through the history again and turning myself into a phobic of life, love and plans!! It is withering out and I can see it. And it is not a good feeling.

Bleah! I don’t know what I want. Again!

Him and Her...

A brief current of cool breeze brushed across her face. The sky was cloudy and the sea was grey. The resonance of waves is something she had always loved, felt soothed and enjoyed.

Him: Do you realize we have to wait for another 3 hours for them to come?!

Her: Yeah! I know! And you better don’t fall asleep!

Him: Hmm… I wont! Just make sure I don’t lie down on my stomach..

Her: duh! (pretends to get up and walk away)

Him: Okay! Okay! (holds her hand) Lets play a game or something

Her: like what?

Him: Uhmm.. Chidiya udd?! (bursts out laughing)

Her: Seriously! How old are you?

Him: Old enough to create an email ID without the word “breeze”

Her: Hey! (now actually getting up)

Him: Alright. You suggest a game!

Her: Rapid fire! You ask me questions and I ask you questions! We both answer the first thing that comes to our head!

Him: This is your game for intellectuals :-S

Her: Come on!! It will be fun :-D

Him: Okay! Shoot.

What followed was a round of unrelated question and answer session that led to mush and cuddle - which in turn led to a finely drafted plan of alcoholism by the beach.

Him: No seriously! What exactly is your problem with my city?

Her: Nothing! Arrogance and show – off! Also, there is no beach :-P

Him: What the!! What is the beach for? Except for this? (Splashes a handful of water on her)

The water was cold, almost startling her. She was still sitting by the beach. It had almost become dark and the water, silent. And the waves have come close enough that the water splashed on her face everytime it hit the rocks. It has been an hour since she dozed away. She did miss him. She got up and started walking back to her car.

Figments

It strikes. Out of the blue. Abruptly.

Sometimes it’s the imagination. Sometimes what you did. Sometimes what you chose. Sometimes it’s pure guilt. Most of the times, it’s what you didn’t do or choose.

It’s the loop of paradox.

It strikes again. It breaks. It surfaces when you least expect it.

It stops you from rebuilding. It stops you from rediscovering. It halts.

It comes back. The history. Moving the future.

Never erased.

Figments from the past.

Read somewhere that our lives are defined by our actions, episodes or experiences in the past. Human life is written by one single pen. There is a flash before every action or reaction. We have no control. We are looking in.

It’s not a Déjà vu. It’s the butterfly effect.

Past is an identity, uniqueness that can be memorized, looked back, trapped or dropped dead.

It’s called metamorphosis.

The third Sunday of June

We were on a highway. Roads were new and few then. It poured. He took out his jacket and gave it to me. I was late for the very first day in my college. There was a never-ending queue to take the bus. He hired a taxi for me. There was a time when reading a newspaper was the most irksome part of my life – especially after it became a necessity. He cut out articles, filed them and placed them on my table. The night when I returned home late, I didn’t look him in the eye. I walked straight to my room not to let know of my inebriated state. He came over with a glass of water.

There is a phone call everyday – invariably – whether or not I receive the call. There is message every morning whether or not I remember to reply. There is a mail of advice in my mail box every week whether or not I open it.

I heard this verse from a song and it is nothing if not apt for him -

He is patient.
He is kind.
He does not envy and he does not boast.
He is not proud.
He is not rude and he is not self-seeking.
He is not easily angered.
He keeps no record of wrongs.
He always protects. He always trusts. He never fails.
When he looks at you, he doesn’t see your mistakes – he doesn’t see your past.
He only sees this great hope, everything you can be and everything he made you to be.
Not because you are perfect, not because you are always right – but only because he loves you.

From my first foot step to my first sip of whiskey, you have been the perfect comrade. Happy father’s day, Dad! This one is for you.

Everything and nothing

Let me count the ways I miss thee
And this I say with hardly a hyperbole
To me, thou art a long night’s Aura
With a smile lovelier than many a flora
No greater a joy do I seek for my own
Nor glory, riches, treasure or renown
For no gem or diamond or its worth
Seeking nothing but thy smile and grace
For slightest of thy wishes be my own space

Age of desire and more...

I am in a permanently ever-lasting lazy mood for 2 weeks running. The transit period is supposed to be for contemplation, relaxation and reasoning. But all I have been doing is biting everyone’s head off, eating like a couch potato competitor, sleeping eighteen hours a day and generally behaving like a cranky old hag.

So I have decided to take a look back and set stage for the new beginning (obviously of course I will have to add - learning from the previous!)

1. General knowledge is a tool to appear more intelligent than the other person in a conversation.

2. I know and I am going to accept that fact that I am not going to be rich and famous (or poor and infamous).

3. Traffic cops scare me. When I pass them, my life flashes before my eyes.

4. I have enough to contend with in life than putting up with the likes of IPL, south beach diet and Shahid Kapoor.

5. My Hindi is fucked up and will remain so (considering I am moving further down south).

6. I have been proved against end of world theories and global warming.

7. Save money: Economies have a new name “debt-theme-park” and all the rides here are nosedive hedges and bear crashes.

8. Cashew nuts are fattening is a myth, nicotine and caffeine burns calories is a delusion; cheese is unhealthy is a lie.

9. I suck in time management, crisis management, task management and self management. I hate management.

10. Reduce the average number of times per day phone calls to parents. It only gets them more confused.

11. I prefer living virtually on social media rather than for real.

12. It is always better to drive route Mumbai-Pune-Mumbai (Volvo buses makes you nauseated and they play monopoly!) .

13. Work allocated can be done in several ways – one of them is shouting.

14. I am no good with hosting new people – especially foreigners.

15. I am in my early twenties (no strings attached). I have taken decisions by not thinking, not planning and not caring.

16. Quitting my mostly amazing, income generating, and supremely rewarding job and moving out of a well settled friendly comfort zone might just make me happier.

17. I cannot write. I need an editor.

Thank you

I have not been inspired enough to write for the past few weeks. I have been tied up, bogged down and tired. I am in that phase of life where you don’t know what you want or where you are headed. So there, I did, clearly, not know what I was doing – toggling between yes’s and no’s.
And by now one must be wondering why I would even bother writing this post when I am disheveled like this, let alone whining. But I think this is about the right time to actually take a look at the bright side of the spectrum.
That night, post midnight, I decided to go alone for a walk. The moon light was romantic, subtle and enamoring. I was thinking, I would rather keep my mind numbing spider web inside my head rather than blurt it out to some one. I was thinking, who would care, enough, in this pretentious world to even take time off and listen. I was thinking benevolence is just a concept. However, once I got back to my room, all the thinking and the feeling of not having someone to talk to was so overwhelming that I decided to break the lull. No more choking. No more dead air.

And what I saw in return was spectacular. My family offered the fall back but their health did not pave much way. That was when my mates across breadth (Mumbai to Calcutta) and length (Delhi to Chennai) laid down a path (I don’t know where would I include Bangalore and Hyderabad), offered to assist in whichever way they could. Phone calls, emails, web chats and even visits – every one was available. Fascinating. People I have known for 10 years to the ones I had just met – every one had the time; every one wanted to help. In a time when I was moody, unreasonable and snappy – I wasn’t left alone. I realized companionship; I realized a lot more actually. And now, even though I haven’t sorted everything out, I know for once that life is a game of cards and I have just played the trump card that has made the most difficult time less painful.

I am waiting for the result to manifest.


P.S. I devote this post to all my adored friends as a thank you note.