Sunday, March 21, 2010

Apprehension, fear or caution?

Eternally confused and restless that I am, once again I did what seems to me like the stupidest thing to do. It started when everything around me looked like it was falling apart. There was no direction. Everything around me seemed to grow so quiet. There are times when neither your actions nor your patience yields results. You are helpless. Forces around you tell you what you should do, though they will not tell you what may be the consequence. You see a fresh beautiful flower but you also notice the insects slowly infesting it. I was feeling exactly this - All of this. That was when I had to decide – to stay or to move on.
It’s almost always easy to make up your mind. It takes a couple of phone calls – friends and family – everyone out there is glad to listen to you and help you out. It helps. Meeting people, talking to them, deciding with them – helps. But what really pushes you over the edge is the long silent walks you have had with yourself, the sleepless nights gazing at the ceiling fan, the lone never ending drives. After all this, you do make up your mind to move on – to do what you want to do. Well, again, not all bold decisions are appraised, not all desperate measures are quoted to be brave and not all roads that are less travelled by, lead to success. Yet, I am at a place where most would think twice before actually trading the threshold. Exactly a year ago, 21st March 2009 was the end of a beautiful time period. History repeats? I don’t know.
I am scared, worried and directionless. But then every now and then I remind myself this – “Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about.”