From a road travelled when there was none, to when the first stretch of gravel was laid and the very first map was still being created, I have been a part of this journey – on the road of “figuring out what I want”! I remembered times I used to forget what I had to do while walking from my bedroom to my hall, thanks to my hyperactive brain. But lately I have consciously and subconsciously avoided thinking too much…or for that matter, at all. I’ve been moody, biting everyone’s heads off, snapping every second, and generally behaving like a cranky old woman.
Probably, it is the need for complacence and satisfaction. But I also figure that human needs are never-ending, moving on from one bough to another, clearly unsatisfied. I have idiotic whims and fancies. And in pursuit of them, lies the beatific path to the worst nightmare! You may plan an amazing Europe trip down to the very last detail, but you never know when an unpronounceable natural disaster decides to throw up somewhere in Iceland. You may plan to marry the love of your life, but you never know how many women he may have telephonically wedded. Like, seriously?!
But at this point of my life, I really, really have NO plan. What I sketched 3 years ago has been erased and suspended. What I can see ahead is blur and far-fetched. I don’t have an agenda or an itinerary. I have been ridiculously trying to stay the same, calm, positive and up-beat. I have been avoiding the fear of going through the history again and turning myself into a phobic of life, love and plans!! It is withering out and I can see it. And it is not a good feeling.
Bleah! I don’t know what I want. Again!